The other day I learned something more powerful than anything so far in this journey. Recently I have been doing some deeper work on self and digging deep within to learn more, understand more and love more of who I truly am. Some of this work has been done with an amazing facilitator and 43 other women around the world. The progression of expansion has been profound throughout the 6 month long workshop and has opened doors to a level of “self-healing” that I was not sure even existed until this particular day.

I was sitting in meditation one morning, pondering two things; my relationship with my youngest son and a mildly disturbing dream, not directly connected… My youngest son is not biologically linked to me, yet I know our paths were meant to be exactly as they are. His beautiful mom left this earth early when he was 3-years-old. When I first met the little guy, he was full of life, silly and had the biggest, brightest smile that would make anyone giggle. He was a little over 4 at this time.

I recall the first day I met him, he called me “mom” almost an hour after and when his dad asked if he knew my name, he said, “yes, Torri.” 🙂
Throughout the following years I found myself trying to play a role in his life that I am not sure what meant to be played or simply needed to be a part of the path for both of us. My heart thought I was helping him by protecting/rescuing him from many situations (schools, daycares, neighbors, friends) where others did not understand his unique way of expression in this world. My eyes were seeing this beautiful soul struggling in this little body, yet the bliss he could bring was overwhelming. He is unique, brilliant, and yet awkward.. Yep, that is it. My heart believes this is the core of who he is even if his mom were still physically here. Of course experiencing the loss added to much of what was going on, however his personality is simply who he is.

Jumping forward a couple of years, I noticed something happening. My energy had shifted around him and I was struggling to connect as I once had. He is very big/tall for his age and extremely articulate. He also really enjoys telling people what to do and how to do it and if they are not willing to listen or conform he might take matters into his own hands. With all this he was extremely curious with his body and others. We have worked with therapists, naturopaths, pediatricians and amazing healers to help find better ways to understanding what was taking place.

Unfortunately I found myself in this super deep chasm, struggling to understand “what” shifted for me? I could no longer look at him as a child, rather a bully who enjoyed making everyone so angry… I was angry at him, even when I had no valid reason. I honestly considered (recently) if being married to to my husband, his dad, was were I needed to be in a home with such awful energy, knowing I was some how a part of it, yet I had NO idea how or why! Clearly I needed to find some kind of clarity as well as a way to shift the energy for both of us.

As I went deeper in my mediation, I asked for this to be fully revealed and released, calling forward guides and angels. As their energy filled the room I physically leaned forward… As I did, the dream from the night before flashed in my mind, so I wrote it out, only to find a bit more confusion, yet something felt like it was a part of the puzzle… Then I pulled angel cards, each giving beautiful messages… And as I sat listening with my full body engaged, it happened!!!

An energy came swooping into the room, I felt a breeze and boom; a spiritual smack, right in the forehead. I was shown visuals of memories that had happened, why this little guy was here and what we were learning from one another…

I felt “sexually assaulted” by him! There were some incidents that had occurred about 2 years ago that lead to my disconnection. The details of the story do not matter, as everything is simply energy and clearly energy is powerful no matter the source, especially when those specific places are triggered within us. I felt violated, yet I was not connecting the pieces clearly, rather pushing further away.

Of course, he is a child with innocence, so how could I possibly hold him accountable to all this? Well, the message was clear, he is mirroring a portion of my childhood I have not fully healed and until that morning I had partially and/or completely forgotten. Having been assaulted as a child this triggered something so deep I shut it down immediately.

How my heart hurts knowing the pain of both of us over the time, yet I know absolutely divine timing is perfect! Not to mention, I know he agreed to come here, hold this place and move forward as he is. I was also shown that this situation was meant to happen for both of us and he was healing things from previous lives as well in this process, therefore divinely appropriate. Our children are teachers, they are mirrors into a world we often do not want to dig into or even acknowledge exists.

This experience opened my heart and allowed me to look into my own path and journey in a way that has been profound. After the meditation I was able to go and kiss him on the cheek with absolute unconditional love! Sitting in the discomfort, frustration and awkward energy, asking for support and knowing it will come, I was able to shift my perspective and see him as the divine being he is here to be.

I often reached out to practitioners and healers for help in these matters, as they have always been able to help in some way. What I noticed however is the pattern always returns. My thoughts on this is because unintentionally I was expecting the other person to fix or shift my perspective without myself doing the work or deeper reflections… Perseverance of reflection, surrender and knowing are such powerful tools! Patience in the moments when we are asking for clarity opens up pathways. We cannot rush, demand or control this process, rather simply open ourselves and wait until the full answers are revealed.

In this process we allow the spirits that work with us daily to actually perform healing sessions on us and what a powerful session that is, given they know exactly what you need without hesitation. As our bodies/hearts/minds begin to open, the more work they are able to do, creating a space for huge expansion and healing. My heart is filled with gratitude as I share this as well as knowing the power we all hold within ourselves, given our strength to dig a bit deeper.