Again in middle school, I had been at a friends house for a sleepover. As the night progressed my friends’ parents starting making a joke about how their son (late teens, early twenties) thought I was cute and we would make a cute couple. Later that night I was pushed into a room with him and told I could not leave until I lost my virginity. I cried, I tried to leave, I cried more, called for help… Only laughing on the other side of the walls. Then the voice, “just relax and it will be fine.”
I cried so much the young man gave up entirely. Looking back I am not sure he ever intended to “hurt,” me, rather there was this strange coming of age and family expectation that he was attempting to fulfill. I can recall him attempting to console me and tell me it was going to be okay, he actually stopped and told me we would just tell them we did it, so they would be satisfied; however, this was after what felt like an eternity of time and several attempts. I was 13-years-old, I never reported this to anyone. Perhaps I felt no one would listen, maybe I even felt bad for the guy and ultimately felt like I had some sense of responsibility.

Groping, smacking of the butt, disgusting sexual comments and accusations were thrown around from middle school on. This seemed to be the norm, I never knew any different, as my father, uncles and sometimes my brothers would chime in on the various statements. Every single one was left swirling in my brain, impacting my decisions as a woman in this world. Every single comment played a part as I second guessed myself, doubted my self-worth, and gave into situations otherwise I should not have.

This shaped how I saw my body, how I saw other women and ultimately what I thought my role was as a human being. I can recall having a pit in my stomach, every time something was said or done to myself or others. I knew in my gut this was never right, yet I felt powerless to speak up. Of course, I had been taught to shush, suck it up and keep it secret. I had also been taught this is what women are for; to objectify, critique and provide sexual pleasure to men.

The way we talk impacts our children, the way we build their confidence impacts their ability to stand up and speak when something happens. These stories are not only a part of a healing process but hopefully a way to reflect on our individual roles we have in helping shift away from a society that encourages things like this.