In the deepest part of our process, we hold onto messages we have heard, most often, repeatedly with expectations around them, resulting in an automatic belief we carry. Words from our parents, peers, siblings, family, or the world – societies expectations and messages – build in our thoughts, particularly when they are repeated or heavily impact a part of who we are. Some messages are meant to steal power, allowing space for another to control.
My core deception was planted at a very young age, through sexual trauma; being told not to tell and that what was happening was my fault or I invited the harm. I lost my voice, shoved it so deep down, I forgot I had one. As I continued to grow into a young lady, this message continued, with new ones. Being a girl, I was constantly told not to be emotional, toughen up, and girls could never be as tough or as good as boys. So I tried harder, pushed myself beyond limits, constantly proving I too had worth, even if I were a girl as if that were a bad thing.
As I have actively healed, reflected, and acknowledged so much of my process and beliefs, I more recently realized there was a core deception I had not identified so clearly. My personal experiences created opportunities for those false narratives and traumas to permeate my core; this left me with a belief I was not worthy, first because I am a woman and second because I somehow “did” something to deserve the abuse. While anyone could clearly see both of these as absurd and untrue, the core deception was deeper and still driving so much of the way I move through life.
My gut or intuition will tell me, no and I override the feeling, to listen to the thoughts in my mind, telling me to suck it up, just do what you need to do, or lean in and get through this. The deception is that if I don’t override this, people will not see me, believe in me, or value me. Meanwhile, I devalue me and assert a message others are a higher priority than myself. The longer I do this, the more my body hurts, creates ailments, eventually, leading to disease or major health concerns.
“I am a strong, beautiful woman with a tremendous light shining into this world AND I am always worthy. I am thankful for my body being such a clear messenger, I choose to listen.”