My heart was aching, yet I had little clarity as to how to navigate the current circumstances. I laid awake tossing and turning, knowing there was something more I was missing and a sick feeling growing in my gut.
As a parent, sleepless nights are unquestionably part of the journey. Worrying you have missed things, feeling like you are potentially the worst parent ever and knowing all the while in one way or another everything is happening as it is meant to. The other night I decided to get up and write.
As I plucked away on my keyboard I realized how hard on myself I was being. Tears streamed down my cheeks in the dark room with the glow of my screen staring back into my blurry eyes. One stroke after another identifying my every wrong turn with sadness growing in my heart. Then I stopped…
I closed my laptop, set it aside and decided I needed to do something else. As I climbed the stairs back up to the sleeping angels I knew she would more than likely still be wide awake, snap chatting away or watching Netflix. I slowly opened her door to see in fact I was right. Her own screen lighting up her face that in that very moment looked sad, reflecting my own feelings.
Earlier that night I had picked her up from soccer and kind of had a “mom lecture” moment when she told me how she had talked back to her coach and I had witnessed her sassy attitude towards the other players. I was feeling awful, I knew there was so much more to what I had witnessed yet I focused on the present, what was in front of me. So in this moment I knew walking in her room was perfect.
As I began to speak my voice cracked and I could feel the lump growing in the back of my throat. She began to cry as well, we went back and forth expressing our concerns, thoughts and feelings. I learned more in that hour or so than I had in days of simply asking if she was okay. Her little heart was breaking, she was dealing with things adults would have a hard time with.
As we cuddled in her bed, her head nestled against me as I stroked her hair, reassuring her she was going to be okay I realized this is the missing piece… We need the absolute emotional break down. We need the physical connection when there is no pressure. We need to simply be there to listen, love and not judge in any way… Especially when they are sassy and acting horrible. There is more to what is going on and they have no idea how to navigate.
How often, as adults, do we suck it up, carry on and suddenly we find ourselves taking out an excessive amount of frustration on a situation that seems ridiculous and unworthy of the amount of energy we are spewing at it? If we never learn to let out the emotions when they become more intense and confusing then when will we? As a parent of a teenager and 2 more hot on her tail I feel overwhelmed daily, yet I think I am beginning to see the point of parenting right now for them is to simply “be cool” and they will be cool with you. Find the quiet space they feel safe to share and they will tell you more than you want to know. Understand the experiences in their life are just beginning to get real and remind yourself of how scary that was… Then, know you are an angel for them in that moment to give copious amounts of love.
I am beyond thankful for that sleepless night. I am in awe of my daughters beauty, compassion and love she has. What a gift to be here for her right now.