Clicking away, word after word, I began to see patterns within myself, acknowledging the deeper part of me. Sexual trauma smashes, hinders or otherwise breaks a part of our root and sacral chakras; the safety and security of life and our creative power. When this is done at such an early age, we develop patterns and behaviors to protect ourselves; most often later impacting our intimate relationships (or choice of partner) in an unhealthy way.

Furthermore, our culture has historically promoted and protected those who invoke the trauma, leaving the victim helpless, traumatized, invalidated and left to heal on their own, as if this was deserved in one way. Again, when this happens to young children, adolescents, or young adults, there is an imprint that is left on the brain, reminding them of their perceived worth. In addition, the root chakra is where we gain our personal security, therefore our foundation is rocked, sometimes cracked or even destroyed.

This is probably the most important part of my reflection. I realized I have punished myself, subconsciously, in many ways over the years, because this is what I was taught and understood to be true. For years I have struggled with dietary sensitivities, digestive functions, and other ailments to which I would eat less of pretty much everything, stop drinking, refuse desserts, avoid any carbohydrate/sugar and still found myself with a migraine or some other concern; then I would begin berating myself over and over for sipping that coffee my husband had, for enjoying one bite of a delicious dessert at dinner or even having a piece of gluten free bread!

I was trying to “control” the physical responses by controlling what went into my body, yet I never acknowledged what was happening within my body, in relation to traumas. In one way I was also, subconsciously, telling my body it was okay to give myself pain for not being so strict with my diet, as I had never allowed my body to feel the pain from the trauma. When all along my body was simply asking me to be in it, listen and allow it to heal and feel.

Another point I began to recognize was around my monthly cycle. I have historically had extremely light cycles, yet I get headaches, lower back pain, and cramping. Recently, I realized I was “holding” on to all that wanted to be “let go.” My comfort in this part of my bodies process has only recently come into my reflection.

Embarrassment, shame, disgust and a desire to hide every aspect of this is how I have viewed and interacted with my cycles. To add in this space, I was living with my father when I started my cycle and because of my history, lack of relationship with him and simply feeling embarrassed I hid it from everyone. I would use toilet paper, borrow from a friend and simply hope I could figure something out, for a YEAR! Imagine a 13-year-old girl hiding this from her family for a year and no one even noticing! Needless to say, the dynamic within my home and family did not help the already traumatized part of me.

Even with a lot of spiritual healing and reflection, I have never delved into this area, hence my original resistance to the #MeToo campaign emerging. My brain spun with all sorts of awful thoughts and images, to which I simply wanted to shut off and brush past. Funny thing, I ended up with the most intense headache for over a 48-hour period that resulted in my husband calling our Doctor, questioning taking me to the E.R. and myself simply wanting to be done with life altogether if this is how I had to live (frequent migraines).

Headaches are caused by restriction of blood flow to the brain. In my nerd brain, this makes so much sense. I was also subconsciously blocking the flow of my cycle. The trauma held in my memory and tissue was trying to hang on and not let go. The more I talked, wrote, reflected and worked in this space, the intensity decreased with the headaches and the frequency. A deep shift within my solar plexus (my personal power) happened only a few days after I released my first #Metoo blog. Granted, there is far more to discover and reflect upon, however, this feels life changing already. I can be me! I can own my full power! And I do not have to hide, inflict pain on myself or otherwise sabotage my successes. Our bodies are miracles, perhaps we should all be listening more closely.