My heart is exposed and open. I feel the ups and downs more than ever and for this, I am full of gratitude. My heart has been protected for most of my journey and reminding it daily, it is safe, it is worthy, and it is loved by others has been more than a decade of practice to be able to feel safe with such vulnerability. Having an open heart following any kind of trauma takes time, self-reflection, and dedication to learning unconditional love.
Patterns of retreat are forever present, while new things like deep sadness, grief, and sometimes a little bit of depression seem to creep into my world. These emotions I had not experienced, as I was too busy saving the world and distracting myself from my own process. As long as I was focused on others, I was safe from my own pain. I am thankful for them, as I feel the joy and love more abundantly in contrast.
My spiritual practice continues to teach me, I am nothing without love for myself first and foremost. Sometimes this is incredibly painful to step into, as I have felt, deeply, I am not worthy of love, particularly with unconditionality; rather, I am here to prove myself and do as much as possible so others will love me in the places I fall short. Only this burns me, over and over. To a point the fire finally got hot enough I moved and for this I am thankful.
My words are only my own and I share my process as a place of hope to those who may experience a sense of despair or aloneness, letting them all know you are not alone. There is no one out there free of this experience, it just looks different for each person. And if we can set down our torches, swords, and weapons we may see and feel Into our own shadows, knowing this is driving the anger or discord, not love.
I am YOU and you are Me. I see you and I love you!