~ We may seek out careers in an attempt (consciously or sub-consciously) to allow ourselves to heal through the work we do.
From the age of 19, I have been drawn to work with youth who have experienced trauma, have disabilities, mental health needs and otherwise known as “at-risk.” What I have learned in this field about the psychology of trauma, crisis response, how we compartmentalize experiences (or leave parts of ourselves in places) and how to communicate more vulnerably/honestly has been immeasurable.
Perhaps through shared traumatization relationships I developed an innate ability to connect with kids. I could see in them what I was not always seeing in myself, although felt connected. My heart knew the pain they were experiencing and could empathize as well as sympathize.
This career in some ways allowed me to expose and begin to heal my surface layer; the awareness to my own trauma and patterns developed in response to a variety of specific traumas. The more I witnessed the cyclical patterns and reactions from the youth, the more I could feel/see them within myself. As my awareness grew I found myself helping each of the youth go a little deeper or make more connections themselves.
My career had encouraged an acute awareness of my behavioral patterns. An example of this: My daughter was about 5 or 6, she had been crying and I remember trying to console her, but my body was confused and resistant. I could hear the voices from my parents saying, “suck it up, stop being such a girl and get over it.”
I did not want this to be my daughters path, yet I had no idea how to shift or learn to access my own emotions. She looked at me with my arm stretched out, awkwardly patting her shoulder, and quickly wiped the tears away, took a deep breath and said, “I am okay mommy.”
Just like that, she felt my energy, knew I was uncomfortable and “sucked it up.” I felt sick to my stomach, confused and angry that I was nearly 30 years old and did not know how to comfort my own daughter. The next day I found a counselor.
One of the first exercises she had me do was write a timeline of my life, listing where I was, who was with me and any trauma(s) during each year of my life. For the first time in my life I visually saw just how much I had already been through and this was the stuff I could actually remember.We discussed each event, how it shaped my ability to think, respond and interact with people who have similar personalities to those who may have caused harm to me. We related relationships I had in that moment to relationships I had experienced as a child. This profoundly shifted my perspective of relationships entirely.
As I continued to make the connections of why I “behave” the way I do my heart opened more. I also realized I had a choice. My choice, was to become a better mom by healing my inner-child. This choice lead to my spiritual journey and later to some of the deepest healing I could have ever imagined. In these practices I also recognized how important multiple perspectives were.
I have and continue to work with a variety of spiritual healers and began reading a lot. I recognized my path had not been a mistake or something that happened for nothing, rather invoking a deeper curiosity within to continue seeking, perhaps all in preparation for helping others one day. My core traits are what make me unique, while all the added traits are responses to our path we have traveled thus far. My journey continues to take my on this unraveling experience of the many multi-faceted layers making me into who I am.
In part three I will go into how I have perceived the world and how this has been a beautiful gift all the while limiting my potential.