My Journey With Trauma (part one)
As noted in the previous blog, “Trauma And The Body,” I have been working on restructuring my own DNA through conscious awareness, meditation and daily practice. As a child I was exposed to a significant amount of trauma, starting in utero. This trauma involved fighting parents, abusive scenarios (repeatedly), neglect and abandonment. As I got older I developed response mechanisms to situations that now make more sense; protecting myself by simply not allowing others to love me or me to love them. I also did not know how to love myself (the root of it all) because I had been taught I was only worth conditional love.
I forged through life becoming stronger in ways I thought was healthy and admirable; my physical strength, my ability to maintain super calm in crisis, minimal response to fearful situations and limited awareness to my body when I had been physically hurt. I would pride myself for being stoic, able to handle anything and the person everyone could rely on to respond calm and collectively in a difficult situation. Often these were things others noticed and admired as well, further encouraging me to “forge” on.
These attributes I thought were just a part of me and possibly genetic, when truly they were my mind, body and spirit’s way of responding to the trauma(s). My ability to disconnect (leave) from my body was incredible. I believe this is why my memory was so terrible and my focus in school suffered significantly.
There are multiple studies/theories that show how our executive functioning (ability to rationalize situations) is impacted in various ways from trauma. Trauma at very young ages (0-3) also impacts our brain’s development; limiting our connection points between the hippocampus (long-term memory and reminder we are safe) and the Amygdala (stress/crisis response). When the hippocampus is bypassed we go directly into reaction from a place of feeling unsafe rather than taking a moment and assessing what is happening.
Noting the scientific portions feels important to further identify how we “think” about the next steps in healing the trauma we have experienced. In other words, when our brain/body can make a connection to what has happened and why, we can begin the fist steps in unwinding. Our will power (solar plexus) coupled with our incredible heart has healing abilities beyond my descriptions. We simply need to listen, relax and allow the body to do its magic.
~ One must be in a safe, loving environment where relaxation is possible along with support from those within the home to effectively begin the process.
Getting to this place can feel impossible; this is partly why sharing this has felt so important. It can also feel incredibly scary, vulnerable and I personally have felt intense resistance and had to slowly walk forward with my physical body while my brain and spiritual body have already made the appropriate connections. I suppose this is the beauty of being human, however one that comes with great responsibility and hard work.
I will continue sharing each week more of my personal journey in hopes this brings clarity, connection, love and healing to each of you! Much love and respect for you and this process. XOXO
Wow! Well articulated. I resonate so well. Still foraging for a ‘safe place’, which I’ve geographically achieved. Still trying to enter that space on psych-somatic level! Working on boasting authentic connections with awesome people. Slowly, but surely…
Aleutia, Yes the psycho-somatic responses are from our limited ability to learn how to have that strand of connection (para-sympathetic and sympathetic responses). These next levels are difficult because it requires a full restructuring of not only our brain/body function but unwinding of the DNA strands (relaxing them). Visualizing this process has helped a great deal for me. I am still working, but have experienced some profound realizations… All this to also say, it is really F###ing hard work! 🙂 Much love to you my friend. Thank you for being along on this journey. Big hugs! XO
Torri, you have had too much trauma for any one human being. I wish you all the best as you continue to work on healing. You are a courageous woman. Please let me know what I can do to help (and I really mean that!).
Sandy, thank you. While I see the amount of experience I have been gifted (;-) trauma/challenges) are of plenty, I truly do feel thankful, as I feel in my heart and soul they were messages. Each one offering perspective and opportunity to grow. I feel each day brings more clarity and comfort in knowing the purpose of all this is to simply be with it, feel it and find the love in each space, no matter how uncomfortable or difficult. And again, thank you, your kindness and love is so appreciated. <3