“Mom, can I go to a party with some of my friends, they just live a few streets down?” asks my 14-year-old daughter.

“Sure, but who will be there, what are you guys doing and will adults be there?” I rattled off a list of normal questions, to which she quickly answers, as if she already knew I would be asking them. I trust her, she is a confident, responsible person, so why is it so hard to let go?

Parenting with the idea that we are here to “facilitate” our children’s journey, rather than “control” it is a bit of a new perspective. As a young mom, I wanted to be sure I was teaching them responsibility, respect for others and elders, and overall good ethics. I also wanted them to feel confident in who they are, trusting their own inner-guidance to steer them in the highest direction. I felt, back then, “I” somehow was responsible for who they became.

Little did I know, then, that they would be teaching me so much. My strict, high expectation self stuck to my guns for a long time, then life continued to unfold and over time I have come to realize a very different idea. One that allows me to simply “facilitate” and not feel so responsible for everything they choose to do, as they are their own individuals after all.

I believe these values have taken hold with all of our kids. The oldest we are seeing the most of it with, however when we are waiting until 10:30p.m. to hear back from the 4 texts I have been sending seem to question everything. She, of course, quickly calls, explaining what was happening and why her phone was not attached to her. Immediately taking a deep breath, knowing all is well, I sit back and listen. Why do I feel this way? Are the feelings coming from lack of trust for her or those she is with?

As her facilitators we must have the difficult conversations with her, in a way that she can hear us and not shut us out. The ones where we discuss the potential pressures, decisions and things that can happen. The ones most kids dread their parents opening their mouth about and speaking. However, I know need to happen, because having those conversations before a situation comes up allows them to be prepared and more confident to make a good decision in the moment.

In this space I feel good. I can lay on her bed, talk about the boy she likes, the girls she has become friends with, her soccer team kicking butt or the coaches that have yelled at her. She talks to me, tells me things I know are truth and not always easy. When she is not telling me something, and I can feel it, I have to be careful not to pry, as this is part of her process and trust her to come to that space when she is ready.

We also have to set very clear boundaries with what is still expected of her within the home, when she becomes distracted or disconnected. We are here to help her, not tell her what to do. As will be the case with the younger three. This practice now, I am thankful for, knowing she is teaching me far more than I will ever teach her.

The other day we had one of those difficult conversations, followed with me reminding her of the boundaries. Following this heated discussion we hugged, said “I love you,” and carried on. Only a few days later, I received a letter from her in my inbox. This letter was filled with apologies for slipping into a space she knew was not in alignment, for distancing herself from the family and not talking to me about it.

All of what she wrote I already “knew,” but what I had worried about was her ability to come forward without me asking. This letter proved me more wrong than I could have ever imagined. She thanked me for being a parent that she can talk to, because she has several friends this is not the case. She thanked me for holding her accountable, as she saw the value in this and needed the reminder. She also recognized her inability to talk to me in the moment, to which she explained as difficult, but wanted to let me know how she was feeling.

She is 14-years-old, yet her wisdom is well beyond mine at times. For this I encourage all of us, as parents and facilitators, to trust these younger beings to teach us, rather us teaching them. They are wise, we just have to listen and be patient.